What is True Love?
What we think love is really all about we learn when we are children by watching our parents, guardians and other adults around us.
So if they chatted allot we believe that love means talking to each other.
If they rowed alot we believe love means disagreement
If they didn't show affection then we believe that love is about keeping distance
We would then tend to run our relationship by the same rules, because as human beings we tend to repeat what is familiar to us. This is true even if we didn't like what we saw, depression, infidelity or violence. The best relationship to copy is not the one where both communicate well, never have power struggles and rarely fight because that doesn't show us what difficulties may lay ahead or teach us the skills to deal with them. The best relationship to copy is one where both work to overcome problems because you then learn the skills you will need later in life.
Love is not as we see portrayed on the television, films, magazines, newspapers or romantic novels. They tend to be either falling in love and walking off into the sunset with no cares or woes, or they are full of strife, battles and separation. None of them portray the real love we require from our relationship. When you are with someone who you love very dearly then that does not mean that all problems will disappear. Problems will be present no matter how much in love you both are, it is how you deal with those problems that counts. Most problems are there for the simple reason of building the bond between you both.
The secret is to see that you are both different and to know there is no blame when you come across difficulties. Neither of you is wrong, you simply have different ideas as to what love really is. Love is seen as supposedly being problem free so when difficulties arise we tend to panic, feel a failure rather than make the effort to make love work. We must realise that each person is an individual, a human being, with their own free will. You do not lose that will just because you are in a partnership. However saying that your wants, needs etc will become very similar over an extended period of time.
Love is not sex.
Love is not emotion.
Real love is less about feeling and more about doing, it is about the day to day finding out just what each other needs and then providing it with generosity and kindness.
The falling in love is the emotional part. This in time will fade away and this is when you may start to doubt the reality of love. You may panic and try to find the feel good factor again, you may decide your partner doesn't love you anymore because that excitement has faded. Don't, because you are about to start really loving each other. You are both about to start making your needs match, you will notice your opinions start to coincide. You start to put aside your needs so that you can attend to your partners. You rise above the irritations you felt about your partner and you start to negotiate both your needs. If you cant allow the initial falling in love to fade your needs may not be in tune and you will get to the stage of do you meet your needs or those of your partner.
Someone who only ever meets their own needs we call selfish or antisocial.
If your needs clash you will eventually get to the crunch point and you have got problems that you don't know how to solve. You may ignore them in the hope that they will go away, but they wont. You may panic and every time there is a conflict you will try to suppress it and then kiss and make up vowing that you will never do the same again. Neither of these solutions solves the problem, how to fulfil each others needs even though you are different people. We need to learn the skills and develop ways of meeting both our needs equally.
Lets look at it this way, if your partner has a habit that annoys you whose problem is that? Not your partners, it is yours, it is you that has created the whatever it is in your mind to be a problem. Human nature tells us that if you try to change that habit, your partner will carry on doing the same and sometimes even more so. If you criticize your partner about something over a period of time then do not be surprised if they retaliate in some way. Say your partner always squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle and you always squeeze it from the bottom the simple answer is to say once calmly without malice or criticism in your voice how much that annoys you and then leave it never bring it up again. Learn a little tolerance towards your partner, they are still the same person you fell in love with if they squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or from the bottom.
If you are constantly over a period of time telling your partner that you don't believe them or that you think they do not love you, how can you be upset when that reality materialises. You have spoken the words out and created that reality. Your subconscious mind has heard those words and taken them as the reality you wish to create and so goes about creating it for you. Your subconscious will make that reality happen and eventually your partner will be pushed away and your partner may not even have realise anything was wrong. If that is not your intention, then don't say the words or start changing what you say to your partner and about your partner when they are not around.
If one has made some hateful comments to the other, try to think about what caused that to be said. It may be that this was a reaction to something else, say criticism or feeling pushed away. It may have been nothing even related to your situation but the person may be having difficulties at work or other areas in their life and directed their anger the wrong way. Sometimes it can simply be a cry for help. Do those words not matter how hateful really mean that you have been in love with the wrong person all along, the person you fell in love with is still that same person and the words can be taken back. If the words were not really meant they will apologies telling you how much they regret the hurt they caused and try to explain what was really happening to them. The words can be forgiven and your partners love will probably grow because of it.
The way a person tells you that they love you will be dictated by the way they have seen it done when they were younger. It is not for you to question the way it is said but for you to accept the words as there true meaning. If you cannot accept the words as being true and honest then it is not your partners problem, they have told you what they feel if you cant accept that then it has to be your problem, you have to change your attitude towards it. As you change so you will find does your partner and you will find that the way your partner tells you they love you in time will also change. You will find that when you are truly in love with your partner each of you will change as time goes by. You will respond to your partner the way that they wish you to respond and they will change to your way but this takes time as you grow together. Try a little patience with each other, give each other room to make mistakes and be forgiving when the mistakes happen after all no one is perfect. The person you fell in love with at the start is still the same person now no matter what it is they have done.
If my partner says to me that they don't love me, then I have only one response and that is, that's OK that is your decision, I love you and I love myself and that is all that matters to me because that is all I have control over. I will still attend to your needs simply because I love you. I cannot control you so I cannot change the way you are feeling, there is only one person who can change the way they feel and that is you.
I love myself that's a bit selfish isn't it, I hear you say. No I mean I love myself in the way that if I cant love me then I cant love anyone else. I love myself so that I will look after myself in such a way that I will be presenting the best possible me to my chosen partner. If I can do that for me then I can do equally the same for my partner. I will go as far as to say that you can only love another person by the same amount as you love yourself.
If my partner says to me that she can never forgive me for something I have done, then I can only say, that's OK that is your decision I have forgiven myself for my actions and I have apologised and asked your forgiveness that is all I can control. If I do not have forgiveness in my heart how can I have love or expect someone to forgive me. If I can find just a small amount of forgiveness then I know that love will do the rest for me.
If my partner says to me that she doesn't like the way I squeeze the toothpaste tube and never mentions it again. Then I will be aware and notice that maybe I do squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle and I will change. Do you see the difference, I only control me I cannot change the other person. I cannot judge the other person because of their decisions, I can only show that I love them and care for them.
If I am in a relationship then I am not there to change that person, I cannot make them do things the way I want them done, that is not love, that is pure and simple self centered ego taking control. I am in a relationship because I want to be with and share my life with that person not because I need to be dependant on someone. I believe that you cannot love another person more than you love yourself and maintain a balanced and loving relationship. Ask yourself why would I want to change my partner into something else, that is the person I fell in love with at the start so what does it matter if they squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, simply tell yourself you are both right. I know this sounds a bit stupid about the toothpaste tube but I have come across it before, it sounds pathetic, but it can be something just as trivial and stupid as this that starts to let the doubts in. If you ever feel negative doubts creeping in about your partner then change whatever it is you are focusing on. Stop seeing the bad points and concentrate on their strong points and work on your weak areas, then you will see the weak areas in both your lives slowly disappear.
You are not in a relationship to make yourself complete, you are already a complete person, you have everything inside of you that you require to live a fulfilled and happy life, you are with your partner because you wish to be with them and to share your life with them.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love will never hold a grudge
Love is quick to forgive and slow to condemn
Love will never see another hurt
Love does not boast
Love does not envy
Love is not proud
Love is not rude
Love is not self seeking
Love is not easily angered
Love does not remember wrong
Love always protects
Love always trusts
Love always hopes
Love always perseveres
AND LOVE WILL NEVER FAIL.